Letting myself down?

At 29 and three quarters i didn't think i would be the person i am today. Don't get me wrong I am fully aware that I am truly blessed. I have a husband who I adore, a new baby Darwin George (a whippet cross), the little blue beach hut, a large family who I love and a job where most of my colleagues are called friends. However I'm not he person I imagined ...

Now most people wish they had more money, bigger homes, married,  kids, better job, thinner, bigger boobies, smaller nose, spanking new car, lotto win etc etc ... At college my vision of my future was by the time the dreaded big 30 I would have finished my law / politics degree, be working for water aid, oxfam, green peace etc of course I would be a freegan / vegan, I would live in a communal house, I would never watch TV as I would be to busy reading / writing / protesting for others rights. I would be covered in tattoos and of course have natural dreads of multi colours. Maybe have a child (who I of course would self educate about the real world) but I would not be married as that type of forced commitment is wrong and love should be free to flow from spirit to spirit and every holiday would be connected to a festival or charity work.

In reality after my a levels I deferred a year then another and another, I work for a private company and although its extremely eco friendly its not green peace. I love what freegans stand for but bins make me cringe and I could in no way dumpster dive! As for my trip into the vegan life I latest about a month I ate a lot of chickpeas and homemade soups / currys (yum) missed lamb far too much (sorry). I am lucky enough to own (well mortgage) the little blue beach hut with the hubby and most days I don't want to share the bathroom with him so how the hell would I of survived with a house full. No TV? what was I thinking I love my sky plus (OMG did I just write that) between vintage ER and my addiction to the Kardashians I need Sky plus almost as much as chocolate.  If I am completely honest the last three things I read was a you tube gurus blog, heat magazine and an website giving advise on how to measure your dog for clothes hardly world saving stuff. I only have the one tattoo some words in Cornish for my father the mathematical symbol for eternity some hearts and stars I have had it for four years and on days wish it was bigger and I do have a slight girl crush on Kat Von Dee but my collection is yet to grow. The hair is brown and most days fluffy, I would still love to have dreads and on occasion I stalk you tube for videos on how to fake them sadly the hubby would hate them and my office is semi casual but the journey to natural dreads would defo not go down well. No babies yet (apart from Darwin) and if I'm honest I would do everything in my power to send that child to a private school this is more to do with being aware of my own limitations and the things I have been told about class sizes than anything else. I have been with my husband for almost nine years and we have been married for a little over a year. Now back in 2008 we were "married" in a tent at glasto festival I wore flip flops, a denim skirt, a thin jumper that was grey and pink and covered in stars and flowers in by hair. The bf wore shorts and a logo tee it was just the two of us and some drunk / stoned festival peeps chilling out in one of the few times the rain stopped this was a far cry from the real deal in 2010. We had a catholic Church with full mass, two best men, five bridesmaids, two flower girls, one page boy and 150 + guests. The reception was at a castle we had four courses, a 12 piece band and a DJ. Hubby wore a three piece hand made for him suit with the most expensive man shoes ever and i wore a pure white dress with big hair (still wore flip flop tho). I am still not the biggest believer that everyone should get married its a personal choice however it was the most amazing day and if anyone attempted to let there love flow into my husband I would need to edit my own views on violence never being the answer. As for festival holidays ha the last time we went to glasto we stayed in a private field so we could shower and park the car next to the tent (also the tent was put up for us and we had 4by4's drive done to the top of the park field and back every day). Last few holidays have all been about relaxing and sun tans......

So when did I lose my ideals? Did I just grow up or am I that shallow?

Here I sit in the little beach hut on the hubby's mac as he play fifa, with Darwin running between rooms as he prefers us all to be together and I have pangs of guilt that I have let 17 year old me down...Why am I not saving the world?

I guess the answer is at 17 I couldnt see the smaller pictures, each of us need to save our own little bit of the world. Because of me and hubby Darwin has a home (up until recently he lived at a rescue centre / pound for six months) we recycle, we try to purchase local the hubby employs local people, we are good daughter / son / sister / aunty/ uncle and friend

I guess we could all do more and I hope in 2012 I will

Darwin George